5 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged | Christian Dating Advice

Hey girls! Tiffany Dawn here and I'm back with my hubby James! I know you girls are always so excited to see him on the videos I appreciate the love

Yeah I know, I'm always like, "Look at all these comments about how great you are!" So today we're gonna talk about questions to ask before you get engaged Cause I think a lot of times, you know, you think, "Oh I've been dating this person for a while, I feel like I know them, they're a great person, should we take this to the next level? What does that look like? How do I know?" So here are some questions that we've talked about that we think are a little outside the box that, you think, you might want to talk about with you and your significant other, maybe with your friends, people who know you well Try to get an understanding if you guys are really on the same page and the same- in the right season of life to maybe get engaged Yeah and then at the end of this video we're gonna share what we did for premarital counseling because it was a little – a lot – different than what I think a lot of people do, and we really liked it So we'll share these five questions for you to talk about and then what we did for premarital

So our first question is this: Does that your significant other appreciate the things you have to share? So does he listen to you? Does he really take to heart the things that you're saying and sharing? And is he willing to even make changes based on some of those things? Not that he's gonna change everything based on them, but is he gonna take them seriously? We know some relationships and some couples where one person or the other like isn't really willing to listen to their partner, and it makes for a really difficult marriage It kind of leads to feeling like you're unappreciated and your partner doesn't care about you And a lot of times it's gonna be for little things, because you can't really project what it's gonna be like five years down the road when you're trying to decide if you're gonna buy this house or that house, or move to this city or that city But it's in little things, like where you're going to spend Christmas, and whose family you're gonna see, or how you're prioritizing seeing your friends and his friends Because inevitably if two people are being honest, they're going to disagree with one another

You want to see, you know, what's that communication like during those disagreements Yeah and does he take what you have to say seriously, and value your opinion and your feelings Number two, and this is I think extremely important This is something that Tiffany's dad told me and I think it's incredibly profound And it's: "Ask yourself, 'What am I looking for in a marriage?'" And when I say that, I mean most people are looking for something specific that they might not be able to necessarily say

A lot of people are looking for a roomantic – a – yeah romantic lover – soulmate Oh, soulmate Some people are looking for a soul mate; they're looking for someone that they can just stare into their eyes and do romantic things with and just spend so much time together Other people are looking for more of a business partner, that they're gonna take care of some of the stuff in the house the other person is gonna take care of some other things in the house; they're gonna love and be faithful to one another, but it's more like, "Hey we're working together towards this shared goal" Some people are looking for a playmate or a best friend

My mom was looking for that Someone who will do fun things with them And you know sometimes you know they'll be off doing their own thing, but you'll get together and you do fun things together, and that's – that's really awesome And each of us is kind of wired to be inclined more towards one of those three things And the odds are that the person you're dating is inclined towards something else

And so even if you're really compatible with this person, you need to be sort of aware that at the end of the day, this person might be looking to get something out of being married that is different from what I'm trying to get, and so both of you need to be able to realize what the other person is looking for and adapt But it is going to be, "Hey I would prefer to go hang out with my friends" "You would?! You don't want to just spend the entire day with me??" That conversation has happened That's a real conversation I was looking for a soul mate; he was looking for more like a playmate I think

Yeah Which like there's nothing wrong with that, and it's helped us grow closer together and like grow into more intimacy, but it's just something to be aware of And I think sometimes you don't realize you had an expectation until it goes unmet, and you're like, "Wait, what is happening right now?!" And so it's just something to be aware of Yeah so number three: Is there anything that you have not shared with your partner, with your significant other, about yourself or your past? And why is that? What is it that you're not sharing and why aren't you sharing that? We know some couples who they ended up getting married without really having a lot of open and honest conversations about their lives and their pasts, because they so wanted to impress the other person Yeah and a lot of times it's – opening up to your partner about things that you're ashamed of in your past – is not really about how your partner is gonna react (even though you think it is); it's really about you and the intense shame that you feel over what has happened

And a lot of times what you'll find is when you share these things with someone who cares about you, they'll be like, "I appreciate you sharing that with me, but that that really doesn't change the dynamic of our relationship" Yeah But not being totally honest with someone does change the dynamic of a relationship Eventually it will come out and it will not be good That leads to like a lot of breakdown of trust in the marriage, and that's really what intimacy is all about, like trust and openness, transparency, and if you don't have that, I would really take a step back before moving forward in the relationship

By the way, I'm having a really hard time sitting forward because my pregnant belly's getting so big it's like in the way! Ohh, like pushing you back? Yeah, I'm like, gravity! We'll have to start doing videos standing up Yeah, seriously, for real though Do you remember your next one? Yes Something that I think everyone should ask themselves, is: Imagine my relationship with this person I'm thinking of getting married to without any sexual chemistry at all In other words, they're a nice person but I'm not really attracted them

I don't find he or she, you know, particularly sexually attractive right now Now the purpose of this sort of mental exercise is to help you understand how much of your relationship is just based on, "I'm just so into this person; I'm obsessed with this person; they're awesome!" And how much is, you know, this person is a wonderful person and you know even through the ups and downs of life I definitely want this person by my side Because you will get to a point if you are married where you think, "I don't know about this person! I don't know – I don't know how attractive they feel right now because they just left their laundry all over the house again! And I don't care how hot they are; it's disgusting!" Now I don't feel that way, being someone who sort of leaves things strewn around, but that's just – that's an example of things that can really set people off Or the dishes not being done right, or just one of you gets into a funk So you really need to think about the real compatibility that you have with someone apart from how attracted you are to them

Being attracted to someone is so important, but being compatible with them also is, because you'll go through some tough times And a lot of the people we've talked to, who've been married a long time – because one of our hobbies is to talk to people who've been married longer than us and who we like their marriage, and just like get their ideas and advice – and so one of the things that a lot of them have shared is that there are seasons when you don't feel that strong romantic attraction to your spouse And it doesn't mean their marriage is falling apart I think sometimes people think, "We're falling out of love!" But that's not true As you work through that, your marriage becomes stronger and closer and so – that's what they've told us anyway – and when their marriage just comes out of that – they're even closer than they were when they first got married

And so I think that- and but they've said like that's normal, but you want to know that you're with someone who you really want to be with this person for who they are Like you just you enjoy them, you want to spend your every day with them And then our last question, question number five, is, "Am I willing and am I ready to give 100% to this marriage? And is my partner willing and ready?" I think one of my favorite things about being married to James is that he's such a giving and selfless person And that's really like one of the secrets I think to having a good marriage, is the more selfless each of you can be, the better your marriage becomes And so a lot of people go into marriage thinking, "What can I get out of this?" Instead of, "What can I give?" And it is important to share what you need, and to talk about your feelings and not try to shove them under the rug and be like, "I'm just gonna give and give and not share what I need too

" That's not healthy But it is important to realize like you're not always gonna get what you want, and your life is about laying down your life now to love this other person And so are you ready to do that in the everyday monotony of life? And hopefully that's something you've been practicing even in your other relationships It's not – like Tiffany said, don't be a doormat, but be someone who is looking for opportunities to give of yourself, so that when you do get married, and all of a sudden you have that relationship that is your number one relationship, you're not going to be bitter about giving a hundred percent, as that's your number one priority So I hope that those questions can be helpful to you, and if you're married, would you comment below? Like are there questions you would add to this list? And so now we're just gonna share briefly what we did for premarital counseling, because it was a little bit unique, and it was a recommendation by my father

Yeah, we had -I think we had read some books on premarital – like things to talk about before you got married, and so we talked about money which was important, and kids, and geographic location, and different life goals, and that was all really helpful And we'd known we were sort of on the same page But the counsel that we received was just that there's a lot of things that you can't totally prepare for And preparation definitely helps, but there will be things that come up that you can't always foresee Yeah, so what we did is starting I think two months before we got married, we met once a month with a couple who had been married for I think 35 years

They're kind of friends of Tiffany's family, but it wasn't someone that either knew Tiffany really well but not me, or vice-versa Yeah we both felt like they were neutral So then when we, you know, had chatted about what we were doing and how our wedding planning was going and then how the first few months of marriage were going, eventually at the end of dinner we would say, "Well we have been really disagreeing about this, or really wrestling with this," and both of us felt like the advice that we were going to receive would be relatively impartial and wise Yeah And you know because they were wise people, they didn't say, "Oh you should do this," you know, they – they just they helped us think about it, they helped us talk about it

Yeah and it was really helpful And we met with them for I think about a year Mm-hmm Um and that was – we learned so much from them after we got married, when we were actually trying to figure out marriage, than when it was before and we were just trying to like imagine in our mind what it would be like Yeah, so feel free to take that advice

We would highly recommend a mentor couple who's older and wiser and impartial, because it was really helpful So love you girls! Thanks for being with us today And we're gonna be back in like a week or two with some of our top marriage tips so far! We've only been married two years but these are things – we learned a lot – and we've picked a lot of people's brains, so a lot of our advice comes from older and wiser and longer married people So love you girls and we'll see you later Bye!

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